From a work in progress

This is the beginning of a very ambitious project. I don’t know if I can pull off what I want – but I’m going to give it a go

So, I’m sitting in a cafe one day, sipping my coffee because it’s so fucking cold outside and I have nowhere else to go. The feeling is hard to explain, the desperate one where the hope is gone and all you have is hunger and exhaustion, and eyes that feel too dry, like someone is rubbing them with sandpaper. The chick behind the counter isn’t one of the ones who give you throw away food, so I just sit, sipping, wishing for something, anything to give me strength, when she comes in. Older than me, by a fair bit, but still crazy hot. Rich bitch type right? lots of flash jewelry and nice clothes. She sees me and decides to sit down with me. I’m thinking “Shit like this doesn’t happen to me.” I mean, I haven’t had a shower in weeks, just a quick wash in the bathroom, and since my bag got stole last week I don’t even have a change of clothes, so I can’t be smelling too pretty.

The hot lady asked if I wanted something to eat, but not like richie rich types do sometimes, more chill right? So, I say yes, and she gets me big ass sandwich. The food is wicked good, makes me feel up and stuff right? Anyway, she invites me back to her house to get a change of clothes and a shower. I figure it’s the best offer I’m going to get right?

We get into her car, real fuckin nice. Lexus. Never been in a nice car before, so this is cool. The seats heat up. Freaks me out for a second before I realize what it is. We get to her place, big building with a guy who opens the door. He looks at me the way people do, the look I hate. All mixed up with pity and disgust. I’m good at figuring what people are thinking from what’s on their face, always have been. It’s half of what ended me up out on the street. When mom started using again I could tell right away, fucking booked out of there quick right? I mean, last time she almost killed me, no way was I doing that again. Anyway, we went up in the elevator, right to the top of the building. Biggest place I ever seen, and I didn’t see all of it. Two floors inside her apartment, garden out on the rooftop of the building. So, she shows me the bathroom, takes my clothes to wash. I ask her to leave my coat, cause all my shit is in the pockets. Everything I got left since my bag got stolen. I grab a shower, and halfway through, just when I’m getting nice and clean, and starting to think about using the privacy for a bit of relief, she walks in bare ass naked. I’m thinking this is something out of like penthouse letters or something, and it is. She starts doing all kinds of stuff to me, gets me hard just thinking about it. We move out to the living room, to the couch, and things are going wicked, when something shifts. No other way to say it. All of a sudden I see me, the way she sees me. Skinny kid, no prospects, stupid as fuck, but hot. Thing is, I know she’s fucking me because she’s pissed at her old man, and just wants to fuck someone, anyone. I got lucky, but I make her sick too. I snap back into me and I feel like I’m going to puke, so I run to the bathroom and puke my guts out. She gets right fucking pissed off, tells me to get the fuck out of her house. I tell her I need my fucking clothes. She grabs them from the washer, still soaking and throws them at me. I grab them, grab the towel and my coat and walk out, bare ass naked but at least I’m fucking clean and I got to brush my teeth.

I crash in the stairwell, on a landing, because my clothes are wet and it’s fucking cold out right? The book was right, the towel is a damn good thing to have, and I hope the ladies husband asks her why it’s missing. I get woken up by security, and they throw me outside, but at least it’s day and my clothes are dry now. I’m lucky they didn’t just arrest me, but I guess I was just too weird for them to want to report. I sneak into the side of the bus station and hop a subway downtown. Once I’m down there, I run into Nicki. She’s looking pretty bad, like she’s been a bit too free with the junk last little bit. I love Nicki to the end, but the junk’s going to make the end pretty quick. That’t why I don’t fuck her like the other guys do, I’d get too into her, and when she OD’s, I wouldn’t be able to handle it at all. She says “Jake, where the fuck you been?” Now, my names Skyler, and Nicki knows that, but when she’s fucked up she calls me Jake, I don’t know why. We go and see Ed, because sometimes he has shit he needs done, like packages need to be dropped off and shit. Sometimes you can get a couple of bucks from doing shit like that for Ed. This morning he asks where I been, says he was looking for me last night, so I tell him the story, I just leave out the bit where I saw from the chicks eyes and say it was the sandwich, more food than I’m used to. He buys it but I can tell Nicki don’t. She’s a wicked smart chick, too bad she’s a junkie. Ed has a run for us, a tenner each. He only trusts us with small shit because I’m a fuckup and Nicki’s a junkie. After we get done, we go grab a coffee somewhere warm and Nicki asks me about the night. I tell her the whole story, because I gotta tell someone and like I said, Nicki is smart, maybe she can help make sense of the whole thing.

Nicki tells me to get a book and write this shit down, maybe if I keep my mind on things and write down when shit like this happens I’ll be able to figure out why it’s happening, she even uses a bit of her money to buy me a nice book (it’s easier for Nicki to get money then it is for me, she can give blowjobs like crazy, I can’t do the fag thing). So, that’s what this is, the book Nicki bought me. If your reading this shit, give it back to Skyler Davis (unless i’m dead or something, in which case just burn the fucking thing).

So, I told you I’m a fuckup right? Because like, I meant to write this shit down everyday, but shit gets confusing right? Been a couple of weeks since I wrote the first bit, so this is bit number two. A lot happened too. For starters, Ed got busted. Turns out the packages were movies of kids getting fucked and stuff like that. He got picked up trying to grab a little girl outside of a school. I can’t believe I ever talked to that fucker. Weird thing is, the last little bit I been avoiding him, like I could feel shit wasn’t right with him. Now, the other thing is the flash. It happened again. I was crashing in a squat in the west end, when this guy came in. He’s a bad dude, you can just tell. He looks like he been on the street for a day and he’s big, all crazy eyes and shit. He walks up to me, so I make sure my I have a way out and he can’t get around me too easy, and I flip my blade out inside my pocket. The guy starts pointing at his dick, and telling me to suck it. I notice his pants are open, and his dick is sticking out. I tell him to fuck off, and then it hits. I get the flash, just like before, only this fucker is way, way crazy. He’s seeing me, but the colours are all shifty, and I know he’s going to grab his own knife, then I flash back to me. I pull my blade out and slash at the hand he’s reaching under his jacket, draw some blood. Fucker screams and runs away at the sight of his blood. I knew that’s what he was going to do, sure as I know I would puke if you cut me like that. I decide to hightail it out of there and find Nicki. She’s at her usual spot, in the alley behind Ray’s, just finishing up a dude, so I wait out of sight and come up once he leaves. She sees I look shook, so she offers to do me for free, which lets me know that she is too fucked up to process anything right? I tell her I’ll catch up with her later. As I walk away I hear her say something, sounds kind of like “I love you” but I know Nicki don’t say shit like that, leastwise not if you don’t have some H or some serious cash. The cafe is empty, and I only have enough change for one, but I decide to use it, because it’s still fucking cold out, and I haven’t slept. At least I managed to snag a toothbrush at the drugstore, and a little tube of toothpaste, so I can brush my teeth in the cafe bathroom. The lights in here are fucked too, all flickery and cold and shit. The heat is strong, and my stomach isn’t doing well. I puke a bit, but quiet so the staff can’t here, and then I brush my teeth. Come out and sip my coffee. The nice one is on shift, so I won’t get kicked out for a long while.

Sitting down, I feel all stiff and my head hurts, like the most fucked headache ever. All on one side, but so hard and so tight, that I just want to cry and shit. I want my Mom to hold me, like she did when she was clean, so I lay my head down on the table and close my eyes. The nice one comes over, she’s kind of old and you can tell she’s kind, just by looking at her. She asks if I’m okay. I tell her I have a really bad headache, and can I just lie my head down there for a minute, and she says okay, and I hear her muttering about “poor kid, wish there was something I could do” but I know there isn’t, so I just lie there and then she’s shaking me on the shoulder saying the shift change is in ten minutes, and I need to get out of there before her replacement comes in. I ask her if I can use the bathroom first, and she say okay, so I brush my teeth again, and wipe out my pits and wash my face with paper towels.

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