Working on my books description

I wrote a description for my book A Long Walk. Unfortunately it’s not very good. Needs a great deal of re-working. Here’s my start point:

Jasper is getting ready for work when the dead rise. Now he’s hundreds of miles from a daughter who might not even be alive. With highways awash with zombies and snarled traffic, Jasper sets out to find her on foot.

Along the way he will discover that the living can be even more dangerous than the dead.”

The tone is all over the place, the whole thing is a bit cheesy, I don’t like it very much. So, I shopped it to the Internet. I asked the kind folks on /r/writing and got some amazing feedback. I also asked the various writing groups I participate in on facebook. The problem with that is that now I have a surplus of options… way too many directions to go in.

I do know that my first sentence is not the right tone. The book is not funny, at least not intentionally. It’s not a so cheesy it’s funny zombie genre.

The last sentence seems to strike some people as off, others love it.

So, here’s my next try:

Jasper finds his neighbour covered in blood, pursued by a little girl who is obviously dead. The zombie apocalypse has begun, the dead cover the streets. Jasper sets out with his dog Snow to find his little girl, living with his ex wife hundreds of miles away. The roads quickly prove to be impassable, leaving the two of them on foot.

Along the way Jasper will discover other survivors, some who prove to be friends and allies, others who show him that the living can be more deadly than the dead.”

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2 thoughts on “Working on my books description

  1. Gwen Davies says:

    OK — you need to add a couple of words to show how Jasper reacted — which is what made him set out on such a journey. That gives me an investment in him and so in the outcome.

    1. logic11 says:

      I changed it for the actual book… it’s a fair bit different. Still not sure about it, but I will tweak it over time.

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