I used to think I was immune to depression. I believed this because I would get what I recognized as depressed, and it would last a few hours, and only a few hours. Afterward, I would pick myself up, start on my next thing (the depression would come when life hit me with a serious blow, especially if I recognized that the blow it hit me with was the result of my own actions).
I realized something recently, kind of a big thing… I’ve been depressed most of the time for years. The moments of depression were severe, but my normal state is depressed. I feel happiness, brief flashes of it, but the lethargy, the thing where I lose the ability to cope, that’s depression.
I have one thing that really lifts that state, creating stuff. Now, I’m not claiming to be a great artist, but in the end, I am an artist, because I have no freaking choice. It’s what internally takes me out of sorrow and darkness and gives me a way to move forward. Well, that and my girlfriend.
It also colours my work a great deal, altering almost every aspect of it. It colours what I listen to, how I lead my day to day life, how I approach everything. It kind of caught me off guard actually. Like I said, I always just pick myself up and keep going when life kicks me – but I also realized that I don’t feel joy or happiness most of the time, that I feel like giving up more than I feel like going on, but I keep going because I don’t have a choice.
Right now it’s too much, and I’m at a point where I’m not really a functional person in many ways. Still, I keep going, because that’s what I do.