Depression Redux (dusting myself off)

A Go game in progress

I wrote a post about depression not too long ago. It was something very personal to me, but there’s a lot I left out. I guess I wanted to make it look as good as I could, I don’t know. What I do know is this: Sometimes I fall down.

I don’t do the exercise I’m supposed to. I chicken out on the cold blast of water during my shower. I miss a day of journal writing. I don’t do my dishes before I go to bed. That compounds, and I end up not doing what I need to for days, or weeks, or months. It doesn’t take much for the spiral to start. I miss my journal entry one morning, then it’s not a requirement, it’s a thing I can choose not to do.

Today I’m picking myself up, putting my life back together, fixing what I let break. It’s hard, especially because I feel like I failed as I do it… which makes it even harder to do.

This latest one didn’t last that long, but it still stung this morning as I tried to do push-ups and discovered that I can’t do quite as many as I could a short time ago.

As bad as this feeling is, there’s a worse part. It’s a trend in my life, and it’s the part of me isolating myself that I didn’t talk about last time. I don’t just isolate myself by letting people drift out of my life. I let people down sometimes when they count on me, then I don’t talk to them because I can’t face them. Sometimes I haven’t even let the person down, I’ve just isolated myself because I don’t want to let people see my weakness, my failures.

I’ve done this with more friends than I haven’t over the years.

I’m writing this for a reason, I could say that I’m doing it to help other people, people who might be feeling like I am, but that altruistic image would be a lie. I’m doing this for me.

I’m doing it because admitting it publicly is terrifying, it’s deeply personal, it’s vulnerable. I’m putting it out there for the world because that means I can’t hide it, I can’t pretend it’s not real. Trust me, I want to, to stay with the public image I try to project, the guy who always picks himself up, who overcomes adversity easily, the fun guy, the easy going guy.

I’m also doing it to apologize. I can’t find all the people who I’ve let down over the years, there are too many and they are too scattered, so I’m doing it shotgun style – put it out there on the Internet and hope that most of them find it eventually (even though I know they won’t). So, if you are part of that group of people, the people I let down, the people I hid from, dropped, lied to, I’m sorry. I know that you deserved better from me.

I’m working on being better, I’m working on knowing that I can be weak, that I can fall down, and that I can get help.

One thing that’s important right now. Irina, thank you! You have shown me that I can be weak and get help without being judged, without having to give up who I am.

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One thought on “Depression Redux (dusting myself off)

  1. It’s hard, and it stays hard.
    I hear you.
    I struggle too, but I have a note on my desk permanently: “It’s only one part of who I am.” I know the parts can’t be separated, and all impact each other, but it’s a reminder that helps me.
    You’re not alone.

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