Yes, most women like assholes — but not because they are assholes
Not a Pickup Guide
If you are looking for advice on how to attract women, this might help and it might not.
When I was young I was pretty good at getting women to agree to go out with me. Okay, I was actually pretty good at having women ask me out. I thought I had game, but it turns out I was just the right mix of good looking and arrogant/confident. I did learn some things from the experience though, and now I’m going to impart my vast wisdom. It should take about thirty seconds…
Why Women Like Assholes
So, women like assholes. We know this, us guys… we talk about it a lot. Why does she go for that guy when I’m here tending to her every need? We’ve all heard the refrain right?
Well, I was that guy… I didn’t mean to be, but looking back on it, yeah, I was. Sorry.
Why They Like Assholes
So, why was I successful at attracting women (notice, I didn’t say successful with women, I said at attracting them) while my nicer friends (and yes, they actually were nicer, not just in their own minds) weren’t?
I was good looking when I was young. I mean, not a Hemsworth (or a Baldwin as we would have said back then) but good looking. I also had no clue that I was good looking.
I was also kind of a dick. I mean, not on purpose. I wasn’t mean, I was just mostly oblivious and too lost in my own head to pay that much attention to whether or not I was doing the right things/being what people wanted me to be.
That meant I never overthought things, at least when it came to a new woman.
I think that was the real key, not overthinking. I didn’t worry about what I was going to say, ever. If I felt like saying something, I said it.
When Confidence Goes Away
Now, to contrast that, if I was in a relationship I would develop a fear of abandonment that bordered on crippling, so I’d stop saying whatever I felt like, I’d start overthinking… especially if we’d had a fight at all recently.
That crippling fear of abandonment leads to more fights, which leads to more shutting down which leads to more fights. I was good at getting the girl but even better at losing her.
The initial attraction? That was confidence, mostly at least. I was sure of myself, or at least I looked like I was, and that drew women to me.
The nice guys? Mostly they obsessed about the right approach, what to say to her, how to make the transition from friend to lover, etc.
The Best Pickup Line
All the advice in the world won’t change that though. I would walk up to a woman and say something like “Hi, I’m Traverse. I think you’re very beautiful. Would you like to grab a coffee sometime?”
Usually, that would work. If not, I didn’t usually care. It cost me nothing to ask.
If we were already friends I mostly didn’t ask girls out. They asked me out. I was mostly oblivious to the fact that they liked me, so I didn’t obsess and freak out. I had one that I was head over heels for. I never asked her out, I didn’t want to ruin the friendship. I found out years later that she’d had a thing for me the whole time, that it was completely mutual. I missed my shot and started dating someone else. Around that time the first girl removed herself from my life. If I’d had the confidence to ask her out I would have had a (probably dysfunctional — I mean, it would still be me right?) relationship with her.
See, it’s all confidence… almost nothing else matters. Well, looks and confidence.
What Women Care About
Most women don’t really care about your car, your job, your money (they want you to have those things, but most will date a good-looking broke guy who takes the bus and is an artist who has confidence over a rich dude who is socially awkward and ugly — with enough confidence even being good-looking is optional).
The confident guys treat them like people. I mean, maybe not always… but they talk to them, interact with them, don’t put them on a pedestal.
There are all kinds of theories as to why this is, but the reality is that it works. It’s a deep part of our psyche.
All the pick-up lines, all the game, all of it, don’t replace not being nervous, not overthinking what you are going to say.
That’s also been the case in my relationships. When I’m relaxed, confident, easygoing, I can maintain my life and my relationships. When I start to let fear and anxiety take hold everything falls apart. The woman who was so invested in us, who showed me so much love, she now starts to question if I really want her, if I really like her. Ironically it’s because now I’m scared of saying the wrong thing, I’m scared I will lose her.
Another friend of mine isn’t an asshole, but he’s absolutely confident all the time. He’s also good looking. He does better with women than I have ever done…
That’s the Whole Secret
So there it is. The secret to getting the girl. Say what you feel, say what you want, don’t think so much. She’ll see it as confidence. The nice guys will question why she’s going for you, but it’s because you had the nerve to actually talk to her like she was just a person… and not an object on a pedestal.